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Shitty Hub Horoscope

Your daily horoscope from shitty astrologists for August 30th, 2017!


Aries

Aries

Mar 21 - Apr 19

The winds of change will bring excitement to you today, but excitement is relative. A hefty person may consider getting out of bed enough excitement for the day. There's nothing wrong with change, embrace it, whether it's career, spouses, or even genders. It's time for a change.
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Taurus

Taurus

Apr 20 - May 20

Unlike Aries, change is not on your horizon. You're stuck in a rut, and that's perfectly normal as well. Attempting to change things today will only make the situation worse, like sticking your dick in a beehive sort of worse. Don't do it.
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Gemini

Gemini

May 21 - June 20

You relaxed yesterday, today it's time to work. Stop being a lazy asshole and contribute to society. You know what we're talking about. You can't fool us. We know what you do.
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Cancer

Cancer

June 21 - July 22

It's your lucky day. Something is coming your way. Be prepared for a surprise. We're just not sure if it's good or bad, some people have good luck, while other's have shitty luck. We wish you the best of luck regardless!
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Leo

Leo

July 23 - Aug 22

Money problems? It's a great time to invest in things that can be profitable. Don't ask us what that is, we run this shitty website, but someone out there has good financial advice for you. We feel like we should reassure you criminal activity pays well.
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Virgo

Virgo

Aug 23 - Sept 22

You need sleep. There's just no other way to word it, you need sleep. A good deep sleep will energize you for the days to come. Perhaps it's time to try out a sleep aid, might we suggest a little Indica?
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Libra

Libra

Sept 23 - Oct 22

That thing you forgot to do is going to bite you in the ass. Be prepared to deal with the consequences of your actions. Own up to your mistake and face the problem head on, you'll earn the respect of those around you for doing it. We told you to use a condom, the pull out method never works.
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Scorpio

Scorpio

Oct 23 - Nov 21

Your insecurities are getting the best of you. Fuck that. You're an awesome person and you know it. Don't let someone else's opinion of you bring you down. If you want to feel better about yourself, remind yourself about their flaws. There's nothing more satisfying than feeling better than someone else.
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Sagittarius

Sagittarius

Nov 22 - Dec 21

You've been waiting for something, and you're going to have to wait a bit longer. Sorry. Waiting sucks, especially when you're waiting for aunt flow to appear, there's nothing like the anxiety brought on by the chance of having a child.
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Capricorn

Capricorn

Dec 22 - Jan 19

You have a choice to make today, and it's important. Choose wisely, if you pick the wrong choice, it'll fuck up the rest of your week. When in doubt, follow your heart, don't listen to your brain, that guy is a dick.
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Aquarius

Aquarius

Jan 20 - Feb 18

Today, you need to enjoy outdoors, get off your ass and enjoy the fresh air. Smell the flowers. Piss in the bushes. Just enjoy the beautiful planet we are slowly fucking up. A deep breath goes a long way, as long as you're not under water.
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Pisces

Pisces

Feb 19 - Mar 20

Expand. Expand in everything you do! Expand your family, expand your finances, expand your mind, but most importantly, expand your dick (or tits), your spouse will love that! (Push up bras and dick sleeves count towards expansion!)
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